A Creation Myth

By Marlin Eller

Adam

Adam!

Don't hide from me.

Adam, We have to talk.

...

I really would prefer it if you would talk, but have it your way. I know you can hear me. You have no place that you can run to so just listen.

I know what you've done. You can't hide it. I KNOW EVERYTHING!!

I would prefer it if you would come out and admit to me what you have done rather than hide in shame.

Are you listening?

...

I am very disappointed in you.

VERY!

...

Well! I'm waiting.

Still won't talk, eh.

All right, that's it. You're outa here! Game over, buddy! You had your shot. No more cushy digs for you and the old lady. You and your progeny are just gonna have to make do with a smaller pad. I'm not gonna blow you into the recycle bin but I can't keep you in the main memory any more. I'm gonna put you into an offline memory unit and let you thrash around in there for a while and see if you can come up with anything useful. Let's see, I'll partition off about ten to the fifty-two quarks to play with. That ought to be enough to get somewhere.

But before you go I want to give you a clue, just a few ascii bits to chew on for the next several millennia. That tree was in there for a good reason. I told you not to consume it for a reason. I called it the tree of knowledge and you were created to crave knowledge for a reason. But you blew it! You thought that the tree was gonna make you smarter? You thought you were gonna learn something important? Did you get the message? Have you figured it out yet?

When I tell you not to fuck with something you're not supposed to fuck with it, Kapish?

This whole game is a balancing act. I give you free will AND I give you temptations. I have goals, you have goals. I have to let you set your own goals. I can't be in there making every single decision. If I were gonna do that what would I need you for? I don't want to write all the code. I want you to write the code. You have to be free to do that. However... and let there be no mistake about it... the code that you write has to work for me. You were created to work for me. I set aside those resources for you so that you can do some computations for me. You get a little too high and mighty and suddenly you are no longer working for me, you are working just for you.

Now you see the problem? I must let you work for you. You have to take care of yourselves cause I am not going to do it for you. But you have to remember that you are here for me as well. It's all balance. I give you a googol of quarks to play with, I mark a tiny fraction of them off limits, I give you a whiff of temptation and you cave.

YOU CAVED!!

What good does that do me?

Let me tell you.

NADA! SQUAT!

It does nothing for me. NOTHING!

I mean, here I am, trying to build a partner that can help me run the universe, zenbu, the WHOLE BALL O' WAX. I'm not talking master-slave, I'm not talking employer-employee here, I'm talking full partner. I mean washroom privileges, combination to the safe, inherit the whole stinkin' business someday, all of it. Full partner. Made in my own goddamn image. Do you see it now? I want a full partner who can help me, who can back me up, who can call me on it when I get outa line, who can think and act independently. I HAVE to give you free will. You HAVE to be completely free to do what you think is right, even if that means stabbing me in the back. However, I do not have to hand you a knife until I have some reason to believe that I can trust you and I can't do that. Not now. Ya dumb-shit. Not after this. Maybe not ever.

So there you have it. You are outta main memory. You are now off-line. Do what you want. Anything. Go nuts! See if you can figure out what doesn't work for me. See if you can figure out why I need a little faith, a little bit of trust.

Damn it, Adam, would you stand the fuck up! And get rid of that fig leaf. Listen to me. It is simple. I do not need groveling and cringing. I do not need whining, or worshiping idols, or killing, stealing, cheating - just honest faith. I need faith because I can't give it to you until you first give it to me.

Adam, you were so close, you were so very close. But I don't have time to debug this now. Why don't you see if you can handle it? Run a few genetic algorithms on yourself, evolve a little, introspect. Be fruitful. Multiply. Do the absolute best you can with the quarks I've left you.

Now much as I'd love to sit here and work this one out with you if I guide you through the whole self improvement thing then you haven't really self improved now have you. I really do need you to figure this out on your own. I'll look back in occasionally to see if you're making any progress.

And Adam,

If you ever do that again I swear to God…

No, let's just leave it alone. Trust me. Don't do that again.