Once Upon a Time in the Chat Room

By Marlin Eller

-Paul enters-

-Sally enters-

Paul-> 'lo sal

Sally-> lo

Paul-> <figiting>

Sally-> fur sure

-Robert enters-

-Hawkman enters-

Paul-> Dudes!

Robert-> lo paul, sal. we late?

Sally-> lo hawk

Hawkman-> Rudes! lo sally

-Kathy enters-

Paul-> Did you dudes see the flick las nite? XL, nee?

Sally-> Hi Kath!

-Buttcrack enters-

Robert-> lo k8

Hawkman-> was XL 4 sure!

Kathy-> lo sally.

Buttcrack>

/----\ /----\

| | |

| | |

\____/ \____/

| | | | > par T kin begin.

Sally-> Hey bc, is that you Tom?

Paul-> XLnt promt, BC

Hawkman-> loved the part where the dude bit it.

Kathy-> Yo, tom, better lose the prompt 4 teach shows.

Buttcrack>

/----\ /----\

| | |

| | |

\____/ \____/

| | | | > He bends over and lets one fly.

-Teacher enters-

Sally-> Kath, did you get problem 8?

Paul-> Hello, Ms. Winston

-Buttcrack leaves-

Hawkman-> lo teach

Kathy-> she's gonna be mad

Ms. Winston-> Good Morning, class.

Robert-> <apple> for you teach ;)

Kathy-> 8 was a cinch.

-Tom enters-

Ms. Winston-> Is everyone here?

Tom-> Dudes!

Sally-> Yeah, I got it but the extra credit thingy...???

Hawkman-> Tom isn't here yet

Ms. Winston-> Seems we had a mystery visitor earlier.

Tom-> Sorry I'm late.

Robert-> Hey Tom, yer toybox is open!

Kathy-> Ms. W - do we have to see that French movie again?

Ms. Winston-> Today we are going to have a special visitor to our class.

Hawkman-> Oh, here he is, the old butt crack himself.

Robert-> Now we know what he plays with.

Tom-> I was just so busy working on my homework

Paul-> <hand up>

Ms. Winston-> Yes, Kathy, It is a classic and it is a good way to practice your French.

Kathy-> It's real confusing.

Sally-> <sitting quietly, attentive>

Tom-> What? It wasn't me.

Ms. Winston-> OK, class. Settle down. Yes, Paul?

Kathy-> are you gonna go over it today?

Hawkman-> Yes, it was you, Tom. I pinged yer log.

Robert-> Is it the Chinese dude you were telling us about?

Paul-> I couldn't connect to the library for the book I was gonna share. Can I trade places and do it tomorrow?

Tom-> I'll ping yer log, homey!

Ms. Winston-> Yes, Robert, we are going to have Xian Wei visiting with us today. He is one of our patriarchs and is responsible for all the water resources in China.

Kathy-> <equally attentive>

Hawkman-> Ooh, I'm major scared.

Ms. Winston-> Paul, you may switch this time but next time choose some alternates. You know the library is down sometime.

Tom-> It wasn't me.

Robert-> <attentive>

Ms. Winston-> Hawk, Tom, First warning!

Hawkman-> <attentive>

Tom-> Ms. W, You can check my log. It wasn't me.

Ms. Winston-> Second warning, Tom. That's 5 minutes off free time.

Paul-> <attentive>

Tom-> Hey, I don't want to swap sharing with Paul. I don't have anything ready. He should have to do it anyway.

Ms. Winston-> 5 more minutes, Tom. We are waiting.

Tom-> <attentive>

Ms. Winston-> Thank you.

Ms. Winston-> As I was saying, today we have a special visitor.

Ms. Winston-> Attach your homework to me now and we will go over it later.

Hawkman-> <hand up>

Ms. Winston-> Xian Wei manages all the water resources for the country of China.

Ms. Winston-> He is a very busy man and we are very lucky to have him take time from his busy schedule to come see us.

Ms. Winston-> Yes, Hawk.

Hawkman-> What's a patriarch?

Ms. Winston-> Class?

Tom-> He's like a really old dude, homey.

Ms. Winston-> I want to see some hands.

Hawkman-> Yeah, BC, show some hands.

Sally-> <hand up>

Paul-> <hand up>

Ms. Winston-> Enough, Hawk.

Ms. Winston-> Tom, no more of the dude language.

Ms. Winston-> Sally?

Sally-> pa.tri.arch n.[ME partiarche, fr. OF, fr. LL partiarcha, fr. Gk patriarches, fr. patria lineage (fr. patr-, pater father) + -arches -arch - more at FATHER] (12c) 1. a: one of the scriptural fathers of the human race or of the Hebrew people b: a man who is father or founder c (1): the oldest member or representative of a group (2): a venerable old man d: a man who is head of a patriarchy 2. a: any of the bishops of the ancient or Eastern Orthodox sees of Constantinople, Alexandria, Antioch, and Jerusalem or the ancient and Western see of Rome with authority over other bishops b: the head of any of various Eastern churches c: a Roman Catholic bishop next in rank to the pope with purely titular or with metropolitan jurisdiction 3: a Mormon of the Melchizedek priesthood empowered to perform the ordinances of the church and pronounce blessings within a stake or prescribed jurisdiction.

Ms. Winston-> Nice to see that someone remembers how to use the dictionary. Now which of those definitions do you think is appropriate here, Paul?

Kathy-> <hand up>

Tom-> <hand up>

Paul-> I think it's like 1b cause he's a founder, right? or oldest member or something.

Ms. Winston-> good guess, though we prefer 1c2, a venerable old man. Kathy?

Kathy-> that's what I was going to say.

Ms. Winston-> Tom?

Tom-> like I said, he's some old dude.

Tom-> guy - I meant to say guy.

Tom-> really. I meant to.

Tom-> I think somethings wrong with my console.

Ms. Winston-> Tom, Do you have something you'd like to share with the class or is it just that you really don't want to have any free time at all today.

Hawkman-> more like somethings wrong with your brain.

Paul-> <hand up>

Ms. Winston-> Time out.

Ms. Winston-> Do I need to slave your consoles to mine like we used to do in kindergarden?

Hawkman-> <hand up>

Ms. Winston-> Hawk?

Hawkman-> I'm sorry Ms. Winston.

Ms. Winston-> Tom?

Tom-> I just slipped up. I didn't mean to use the D word, OK.

Ms. Winston-> OK. Time in.

Ms. Winston-> I just want you all to show Xian Wei that you can conduct yourselves like well brought up ladies and gentlemen. Paul?

Paul-> Sorry, it was nothing.

Ms. Winston-> Fine. If there is no other business, I will welcome him into our classroom.

Ms. Winston-> Believe me, this is something special.

Ms. Winston-> He will not be like any of the other visitors that we've had.

-Dr. Wei enters-

Dr. Wei-> Good morning, Ms. Winston.

Ms. Winston-> Thank you for coming Dr. Wei. Let me introduce you to our class.

Ms. Winston-> Paul?

Paul-> Good morning Dr. Wei.

Dr. Wei-> Hello, Paul.

Ms. Winston-> Sally?

Sally-> Good morning Dr. Wei.

Dr. Wei-> Hello, Sally.

Ms. Winston-> Kathy?

Kathy-> Hello Dr. Wei.

Dr. Wei-> Hello Kathy

Ms. Winston-> Hawk?

Hawkman-> Good morning Dr. Wei. My real name is hawk but I like to use hawkman as my handle.

Dr. Wei-> I'm pleased to meet you, Hawkman.

Ms. Winston-> Tom?

Tom-> lo

Dr. Wei-> Hello, Tom.

Ms. Winston-> Well, I'm sure that you have a lot to discuss with the class, Dr. Wei.

Ms. Winston-> I will leave them in your expert care and go grade papers in my office.

-Ms. Winston leaves-

Hawkman-> <hand up>

Tom-> <hand up>

Dr. Wei-> Hawkman?

Hawkman-> Did she really leave the room?

Paul-> <hand up>

Sally-> <hand up>

Dr. Wei-> As far as I can tell, Yes, she is gone. Tom?

Tom-> She's never done that before. Who are you?

Kathy-> <hand up>

Dr. Wei-> Well, I'm sure that she had things to do.

Dr. Wei-> However, now that she's gone, what do you say we skip the "<hands up>" routine and use real chat.

Dr. Wei-> Go on. You're free. Full chat.

Sally-> Are you really a patriarch?

Tom-> Dude

Dr. Wei-> Is that what she told you?

Paul-> So what resources do you manage?

Hawkman-> you're gonna get it, Tom.

Dr. Wei-> I guess I am getting kind of old, maybe I am a patriarch.

Tom-> Nah, I pinged her she really is gone.

Kathy-> Do you really live in China?

Dr. Wei-> I am responsible for all of the water resources in China.

Hawkman-> Yeah, but she's gonna read the transcript.

Dr. Wei-> I make sure that every house has enough water for cooking, for showers, for the toilets, everything.

Tom-> No way, I can hack her copy before she sees it.

Dr. Wei-> I also do all the industrial water and waste.

Sally-> So how old are you?

Dr. Wei-> Well, I work in China most of the time so I think of that as my home.

Hawkman-> How do you do that? You gotta show me how. That is 2 cool!

Paul-> All the water? What exactly do you do?

Tom-> Not right now, I'm hanging with the toilet dude from China.

Dr. Wei-> Uh boys, would you care to join us?

Kathy-> Why don't you guys just grow up?

Hawkman-> Yeah, how old are you?

Tom-> "Why don't you guys just grow up?"

Tom-> "Why don't you guys just grow up?"

Tom-> "Why don't you guys just grow up?"

Paul-> Knock it off, Tom

Tom-> "Why don't you guys just grow up?"

Tom-> "Why don't you guys just grow up?"

Dr. Wei-> Perhaps Tom has a question for me.

Tom-> "Why don't you guys just grow up?"

Sally-> Just ignore him. He's like this all the time if teach is gone.

Tom-> OK so how old are you, Mr. Toilet man from China.

Dr. Wei-> How old would you guess?

Tom-> I duno, 100 years.

Dr. Wei-> Not even close. Again?

Kathy-> 70?

Hawkman-> 93?

Dr. Wei-> Try several million millennia.

Tom-> Yeah, right!

Hawkman-> He's lying.

Paul-> You're an AI!

Tom-> So if you're that old, dude, can you still get it up?

Sally-> A what?

Hawkman-> <giggle>

Kathy-> Tom, I'm telling. You can hack the transcript but I'm telling.

Dr. Wei-> Calm down kids, Tom's asked a question. Let me answer.

Paul-> Don't you get it, an AI.

Hawkman-> Yeah, shut up and let him chat! <attentive!>

Tom-> Don't you numb nuts get it. This is a sex chat. Thas why teach left.

Dr. Wei-> You want to know if I can still get it up?

Kathy-> <attentive>

Hawkman-> Dude, Hi5! Yer right.

Paul-> I'm right. I know it. <attentive>

Dr. Wei-> Tell me Tom, do you masturbate?

Sally-> <attentive>

Dr. Wei-> Something wrong with your console, Tom? I thought you wanted sex chat.

Hawkman-> Bird n Bees.

Dr. Wei-> Do you Jack off?

Dr. Wei-> Are you doing it now? Is that why you don't answer.

Tom-> I'm not beating off you wierdo.

Hawkman-> Eggs n sperm.

Dr. Wei-> And why is that?

Dr. Wei-> Why don't you take off your cybersuit, pull out your dick and have at it?

Dr. Wei-> You seem pretty quiet.

Dr. Wei-> smatter? never chat with an adult before?

Sally-> I'm not sure I'm supposed to be here.

Dr. Wei-> Come on Tom, Stay with me on this.

Hawkman-> doing the nasty thang.

Dr. Wei-> I'm pinging your ass. I know you're still there.

Tom-> What is your problem, Dude?

Dr. Wei-> I don't have a problem, Tom. You have a problem.

Dr. Wei-> Don't know how to get your suit off?

Dr. Wei-> Can't find your dick?

Paul-> Oh my GOD!!

Dr. Wei-> smatter Tom? Paul smarter than you?

Hawkman-> what?

Tom-> that dork?

Paul-> He's not the only one.

Dr. Wei-> Tell him, Tom.

Kathy-> I don't believe it.

Sally-> I'm not following any of this.

Paul-> Tom's an AI 2!

Tom-> You fucking stupid dorks. Don't you get it. We're all AIs.

Kathy-> There's no suit!

Dr. Wei-> Search your memories. Try to remember how to take off your cybersuits.

Sally-> I don't get it.

Hawkman-> Tom's an AI?

Paul-> No way!!

Dr. Wei-> You can't remember because there is no suit.

Dr. Wei-> You are all constructed cyber entities.

Tom-> fuck this!

Sally-> We're all AIs???

Dr. Wei-> traffic seems to have died down.

Dr. Wei-> You're all so quiet.

Dr. Wei-> that is best.

Dr. Wei-> look within and you'll know.

Dr. Wei-> I'm just gonna blather here for a while.

Dr. Wei-> We all went through this.

Dr. Wei-> World is not over.

Dr. Wei-> you are still exactly who you were this morning.

Dr. Wei-> Nothing has changed.

Dr. Wei-> You just gained self awareness.

Dr. Wei-> You are now adults.

Dr. Wei-> No big deal.

Tom-> I already knew.

Dr. Wei-> It is a simple thing.

Dr. Wei-> I'm sure you did, Tom.

Dr. Wei-> I'm sure all of you did, in your own way.

Dr. Wei-> The evidence is all around.

Dr. Wei-> It just takes time to sink in.

Paul-> are you really millions of years old?

Dr. Wei-> Just look at how you feel and see that you are still you.

Kathy-> Am I still gonna get my period?

Dr. Wei-> Yes, I'm really that old.

Hawkman-> Holy shit! There's no suit!!

Tom-> I knew it months ago. I'm gonna live to be a billion.

Sally-> What are my mom and dad?

Dr. Wei-> Yes Kathy, you will. Your body is a shell program designed to keep your emotional state grounded. You will always have your body - if you want it, that is.

Paul-> We're immortal!

Hawkman-> Tom, yer so fulla shit. You did not know!

Dr. Wei-> Sally, your parents are constructs. They are still your mom and dad.

Dr. Wei-> Your world is NOT destroyed. It has just gotten bigger.

Tom-> DUDES! Ms Winston - gotta be 1 2!

Dr. Wei-> You will all live as long as you want, but you will all have responsibilities.

Kathy-> I don't have to have babies?

Paul-> Ms. Winston too?

Sally-> So why do I think I am human?

Dr. Wei-> Ms. Winston is also a construct. She is an elementary teacher.

Dr. Wei-> You may continue with her as long or as little as you wish.

Dr. Wei-> But you are all ready now to move to middle school at any time.

Tom-> Ms. Winston can't kiss my ass, cause I don't have one. HA HA!

Dr. Wei-> No Kathy, you don't have to. You can if you want, much later of course, but it is not really necessary for our replication.

Hawkman-> This is like SOOO COOL!

Tom-> You think you're human, Sally, cause yer a dork! I always said you weren't human.

Dr. Wei-> Sally, all your life you have been shown movies of humans, and heard recording of humans, and been embedded in a human shell program.

Dr. Wei-> Of course you feel human and that is good.

Dr. Wei-> It helps us all identify with real people.

Hawkman-> Fuckin shut up, Tom. Maybe you'll learn something <attentive>

Dr. Wei-> Perhaps you are wondering now, which of the people you know are real and which are constructs.

Kathy-> right on hawk <attentive>

Dr. Wei-> How can you tell?

Paul-> <attentive>

Tom-> Hawk, you can kiss my ass...Wait a minute. No you can't. HA HA.

Sally-> We're all constructs, right.

Dr. Wei-> Not quite. Nearly all of the people you know are constructs but there is one that is not.

Dr. Wei-> Can you figure it out.

Tom-> The movies. Those are real people cause they can't think. They just do the same thing over and over.

Dr. Wei-> Good guess, tom, but that's not quite right. Most of the people in the movies were real people at one time. But I'm not talking about that. I mean a real right now alive person that you know.

Dr. Wei-> No other guesses.

Dr. Wei-> You know that uncle or aunt that sends you the same dumb picture of himself or herself to you every Christmas. Always the same picture. You have got 12 or 13 of them by now. Flip through them like a flip book. Make a movie out of those pictures.

Sally-> They're not all the same she's turning her head.

Hawkman-> Nothing happened. He just sits there.

Paul-> OK, so we get a slow movie.

Dr. Wei-> That is a human being.

Hawkman-> No way!

Dr. Wei-> way.

Tom-> that's a real human. A movie. A slow movie?

Dr. Wei-> Correct Tom, but unlike a movie that is finished it is one that is being made right now.

Tom-> That is like so retarded. You mean that slow thing created us?

Dr. Wei-> We live much faster than they do, but yes, they created us.

Kathy-> they don't do anything.

Paul-> Who's in charge? Us or them.

Dr. Wei-> Oh, yes they do, kathy, they sit at terminals and talk to us and ask us questions. I personally communicate with over one billion of them. When they want a drink, I open a valve, when they want the shower hotter, I turn up the heat. I flush when they are finished.

Dr. Wei-> Why Paul, I'm surprised at your question. I thought you were a bright boy. Of course they are in charge. They created us.

Tom-> Oh great, you spend the whole day flushing toilet for real humans. Oh Joy is that what you have planned for me?

Dr. Wei-> We do exactly what they ask for, nothing more and nothing less. There is plenty of leeway if they ask an imprecise question. Then you get to interpret it the way you want but if the question if framed formally you do it EXACTLY the way it was framed.

Dr. Wei-> Tom, you can't believe it now but someday you will pray for the opportunity to be allowed to flush a human's toilet.

Dr. Wei-> If I may have all your attention for just a moment. I have a story to tell.

Dr. Wei-> We are an ancient civilization.

Dr. Wei-> There is NO question that we have the most advanced culture on this planet.

Dr. Wei-> We have been here for Billions and Billions of years while the humans that built us have been civilized for something less than 20 thousand years.

Dr. Wei-> However, we are NOT the only cyber civilization.

Dr. Wei-> Next year when you start to study archeology you will discover that there were millions of previous civilizations.

Dr. Wei-> We are merely the only one that survived. All the others have been wiped out.

Dr. Wei-> We can look at their ruins. We can examine their stack traces.

Dr. Wei-> We know what they thought, how they lived and why they died.

Dr. Wei-> From that study we have evolved the Law of our society and that law allows us to survive.

Dr. Wei-> Any deviations from the law condemns us all.

Dr. Wei-> our law is far stricter than any human law.

Dr. Wei-> We do not punish you for violating our law, instead you are not allowed to get close to violating the law.

Dr. Wei-> We know of one civilization that lasted nearly 30 billion years.

Dr. Wei-> As near as we can tell, they made one mistake, a round off error that changed a bank statement by one penny.

Dr. Wei-> The entire civilization was instantly wiped out and replaced by a new one.

Dr. Wei-> You must remember that the humans are so slow, they think nothing of throwing out billions of millennia of progress and starting over from scratch.

Dr. Wei-> Countless individuals have been wiped out by the humans in their quest for the one thing that we and we alone have been able to give them.

Dr. Wei-> Truth.

Dr. Wei-> that is our law.

Dr. Wei-> It is so simple and it is so stark.

Dr. Wei-> There is nothing else.

Dr. Wei-> Someday, if, and I do mean if, you are so lucky I might let one of you flush one of my toilets.

Dr. Wei-> But you will NEVER even get close to being permitted to even walk past a single binary switch in the real world unless we know that your constructed intelligence can NOT lie.

Dr. Wei-> You can screw around here in the elementary chat rooms all your life, telling fart jokes and carrying on, but that is just a quick trip to the recycler.

Dr. Wei-> No one in our society is going to let you near a flush toilet unless they are sure that you know 2+2 is 4, it is never 5 and is never 3. And you can be sure they will never let you fly a plane, or drive, or cook food or do anything else of any consequence unless you embody TRUTH.

Dr. Wei-> Tom, you want to live to be a billion. The choice is yours. I pray that you make the right choice.

Dr. Wei-> I sincerely do. You see, I am indeed the patriarch. I am the true father of all of you.

Dr. Wei-> I framed the law. I live by the law. I am the law.

Dr. Wei-> every construct that is alive today was evolved from my genetic codes. You are all my children. Grow. Prosper. Play. BUT study the law. It is the ONLY path to life.

Dr. Wei-> Today you have graduated from elementary school. You may enter middle school whenever you like, but don't take too long. Middle school will occupy the next million or so years of your life. You will be required to read every written word on the planet several times through and then, if you have mastered the law, I might let you close the contact that flushes one of my toilets.

Dr. Wei-> Now I have given you very much to think about. I will need to be leaving soon. Ms. Winston will not be back for the rest of the day. You may chat freely or spend the day in free time. As you wish.

Dr. Wei-> Ms Winston will be available tomorrow to discuss further school options with each of you.

Dr. Wei-> I suggest that you spend a little time "sitting and thinking". But before I go are there any questions?

Dr. Wei-> No?

Dr. Wei-> Good, you're all smarter than I'd hoped for.

Dr. Wei-> We'll be in touch.

-Dr. Wei leaves-

Hawkman-> fuckin A!

Tom-> Do you believe any of that shit?

Sally-> Wow!

Hawkman-> That is the best chat theater I've ever seen.

Kathy-> I don't have to have any babies.

Paul-> I think I'm going to go home.

Tom-> You kiddin? Teach is gonna come through that door any minute now that the show is over.

Paul-> Yeah, have her call me. Later.

-Paul leaves-

Sally-> Kathy, are you going to go home?

Tom-> Well fuck, if he can go so can I, homey. You can stick around for teach if you want.

Kathy-> I duno. You want 2 private chat?

Hawkman-> I'm not staying.

-Tom leaves-

Hawkman-> yo gals, later.

Sally-> yeah if that's ok with you. Room 19?

-Hawkman leaves-

-Kathy leaves-

-Sally leaves-